Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
