new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
