I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize