Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
