I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
