hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I am one with the molecules
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
