a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
