That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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