A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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