YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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