In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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