I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
