I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
