So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
