I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
