i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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