sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
two words: eviction party
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
