turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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