Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
