Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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