I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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