New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
