What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
