dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize