I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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