Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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