conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
