You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
