You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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