I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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