I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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