I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
