His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
