Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
