Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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