Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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