I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
