No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
