If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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