you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
