I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
