I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
