I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
