Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
