that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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