i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
