She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
