It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm drive I can fine osifer
That's when you crack a 10am beer
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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