so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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