I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
