my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
