I just cut my nipple shaving
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
