I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
