Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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