I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize