how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
