Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
