So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
